LET IT RAIN

What do you call that feeling when you are about to leave your house for an important work and it starts raining heavily. Say it . Irritating right ? All again you undress into homely wear and keep the assorted things you planned to take with you in their right places and all you can do is wait... Wait till it's dry again.

Same happens with me... With a feeling that I have been born with a cursed luck , I curse myself for planning for the job wrongly when literally it's just the nature to be blamed. I look through the windows to estimate the intensity of the rain and possibility of my going out and then finally lying back in despair. The work has to be postponed and it's a tough job to reschedule as other things get affected to.. and what if it rains again the next day..

It feels me with irritation and I start wishing that why it never rains when I had nothing to do.. It rains only when I have some work.

But then I feel how often do I watch the rains even when I was in home. So today I thought there was nothing better to do right at this moment. The streets filled with water , the trees looked greener, the sky changed it's vibrance. The small kids returning from their schools had no irritation like me.. They stamped on the water playfully , fully drenched and without caring about their wet bags and books busy kick spraying water on their fellowmates. They should be pissed off after so long hours of school but shockingly they were not. Then why is it me nagging without even being wet by a single drop. Why didn't I feel the same like those kids. What has changed me ?

I asked these questions to myself and seeked for answers. I see many people enjoying rain special dishes and pakoras.. I see them making plans even in this weather. I see people getting romantic , I see people getting nostalgic.

I have gone through all of this in the past , still today why did I feel irritated ? I asked myself and seeked an answer. What has changed me ?

It was raining cats and dogs... I opened the windows to hear that amazing sound of rains thrashing the streets. I said to myself those amazing three words.. LET IT RAIN..

GOOD BYES

I really have mixed feelings when I hear the word good bye . It has an optimistic side that we might meet again in some way or the other . Maybe it will be planned or maybe just like that at some place at some phase of life . Normally it brings a smile while parting apart relishing the memories of the time spent together hoping to relive that back soon.
Sometimes an inert hole gulps the mind not knowing about the possibilities.
If you ask me I have a certain negative lookout when I hear the word good bye. I hold on to the bitter part of it. Parting apart from the ones who brought happiness always makes me uncomfortable. The fear of losing or last chance to say the things that you could never say.
Sometimes we plan so much. We memorize every thing we want to say , we plan things we want to do. But can we carry them out always as we planned ? There are so many uncertainties in life and I hate that the most. The haphazard thoughts come into mind about the uncertainties and the possibility of the situation that we might not meet again.
GOOD BYE is not for me. It throws me into an utter darkness. That is the reason ,  I , quite unconsciously never use that word. The ones I love ,  I love them for my life.

I know sometimes holding on can bring you pain and that's the reason that GOOD BYES are quite necessary.

Just never forget to tell the person that how much you care and love that person. Tell that we will meet again for sure.  

The post is linked to
3 WORD WEDNESDAY

NOTE : Its a final tribute to 3 word wednesday. Will miss you a lot . Just have the hope for your comeback. As I said good byes are never easy for me.

Because its my Birthday Month : CHAPTER 2

My Childhood Real life Hero : That would be my father. He was the one I would search for when I was in trouble. Be it the primary school days when I would cry and wait for the session to be over or be it being a  savior from my angry mom. My all wishes were fulfilled by him and I would be his prince riding in the front space of his scooter feeling the safest person on Earth. He would take me all places , give me most of whatever I want. I was pampered by him so much and I could not even think a day without him.

Till I went to the college , he was the one taking me to all the tuition and all other places in his scooter. Some of my batch-mates would make fun of me for being still dependent on him and some would envy me. I knew that I could go without him but I cherished his presence and super protective treatment. I was somewhat dependent on him and I liked that feeling. 

All his life he had sacrificed a lot and given a lot to the family. Now he is 60 up and would retire this month. With time a lot of things have changed. He is not as strong as before. He asks me before taking decisions , relies on me and most of the times I carry out some simple tasks for him. Now that he depends on me a lot , I feel sometimes he is my child. I scold him on few occasions which he obeys like a small child . He would express happiness when I gift him something in the same way I used to in my childhood when he brought something for me. 

I miss that strong shoulder on which I would rest my head and leave every problem for him to sort out. I miss his strong decisions sometimes. But when I see him proud of me and I see that broad proud smile in his face when he introduces me to someone I feel may be I am not that efficient as he thinks but still for him maybe I am his hero now. Everyone needs a hero. He was and is my hero. Maybe I am his hero too.

Because its my Birthday Month : CHAPTER 1

My biggest fear in my childhood :  Well that would be Lizard. I still get afraid when I see that mini crocodile and I am miles away.

I was afraid of my mom too. She would beat me black and blue even before I realized I did something wrong. 

Its difficult to tell what I dreaded most --- My mom or the lizard. Although now I scold my mom often and love has superimposed the fear completely.

I used to fear the stage also. I liked to act and wished to perform but I had a stage fear. So I avoided participating in any of the shows because I lacked confidence. I did not have faith on my memory and thought I would forget lines of whatever I do.

I had to face that fear once when it was made compulsory to deliver The Pledge in the assembly hall of my school after the morning prayers. It would be on rotational basis and each student a day would be given that responsibility. 

It was an embarrassing day for me when my chance came and I had screwed the whole thing up by forgetting almost every line of the pledge and the teachers from the backstage kept on quoting till the end. I was almost mentally tortured few weeks by some of the teachers and most of the students. I became popular actually by the name " The boy that forgot on stage ...". 

But then it did not affect me much. I had faced what I had to. I practiced in front of mirror and started participating in class room singing sessions and even small debates and quizzes. Later on in my college life I had been in to drama and also solo stage shows. 

I knew that at the most the bad that happens to you is embarrassment but nobody cared to remember the people who did it right. So nothing you are going to lose.

Remembrance

Metro railway certainly has made the travelling fast but each station has its own stories. The gate opens, the electronic lady voice declares the name of the station , the writing of the name in the station itself in very old familiar font playbacks the memories of each one. I don't know how many people have ever thought of this or are connected with almost all stations in some way or the other. Certainly few are such which have a lot of memories bonded with the name itself.
On one such rainy day , I had been travelling in the metro almost late evening. I had to go for a training and stay in the north Kolkata for 2 days. The known facts about the metros and its repetitions make me more and more confident about this conveyance. For example people rushing out of the metro as soon as the gate opens and running towards the outward gate without even knowing actually why they are saving few minutes of their life when they actually don't know where they will end up. The people rushing in without even caring for the probability of lesser than 10 percent chance to sit and that too when they know they will arrive in the next 15 minutes. More to that they rush in without even caring for the people to get down at the first place as if each and every person is important only to themselves.

On that heavy rainy day people entering in their wet clothes and shoes easily told me how much it was raining , outside every station. It was not the same everywhere, so I wished it does not rain so much at my destination. Having said that , I also felt that the same wish had been done by so many people inside the metro , already drenched waiting to be drenched more. Its a difficult task for the almighty sometime.  Its not that I don't like rain but I feel it rains only when I am not prepared to enjoy it. Or maybe I am one of those who is unknowingly running , not ready to stop and feel. I don't know. Nobody told me that.

With the opening of the gate at every station and by reading the name I could sense silence inside me despite the busy vehicle and the people making fuss about that stupid rain although some joyous couples seemed to enjoy preety much. Why did my brain had to be so smart to play the slideshows of the memories automatically ?

Many happy go lucky people play games in the mobile phones and tablets and many shut off the noises with their headphones on but my favourite activity is to watch people and guess about their life. Kind of cheap maybe but yeah its true. I like observing and reading people. But that day I was more busy reading myself.

As the stations were crossing by and I was near to my destination I could feel my heart beat then. The greatest memories were connected to my destination. I was a frequent visitor of that station once upon a time and after so many months I was visiting it once again but the purpose was different now. I would not have chose to come if I had some choice. Its not that I did not like it anymore , but the memories make me numb , I can feel my pulse yet an inertness acts in me.

I reached finally. It was raining heavily outside. I was standing at the main gate , waiting for it to slow down a bit. I din't expect it to stop. My eyes were busy looking for the bus that goes to my training centre but it would not be honest if I tell that I did not look around in the footpaths or the close by shops to search someone who was the reason for all those memories. A part of me wanted to get a bus as soon as possible and another part wanted to step outside ,  stand in the forceful gust of wind and rain and get drenched with a hope that it washes away the pain  in the memories , it pacifies my heartbeat and it removes my inertness. A glimpse of the ' reason of all this '  would not cause any turbulence in me - that is all what I could wish.

The bus came and I was walking fast towards it. Just near the footsteps I felt that across the street I saw an umbrella and a familiar image of someone walking fast down the street. Just a glimpse , not very sure but strong enough to make me halt. The conductor waved his hand fast and wanted me to get in quickly. Ignorant of my life and busy in his own world I felt he did not have time for me to wait much. I could not see any more of what had stopped me. The umbrella just vanished in the rainy streets and running people. I got in the bus and conductor welcomed me with his irritated look as I have wasted his few seconds deciding to board the bus or not.

The bus moved on. I wish I could too.

This post is linked to 3 Word wednesday

Also linking it up with the theme of ABYSS by THEME THURSDAY

Endless Tunnel

photo by - Caroline knopf

I often dream of being isolated on a lonely beach tearfully waiting for someone to take me home. I often feel I am stuck inside a dark tunnel waiting to see the light on the other end as I am running hard with unsteady feet to find the end of this journey.

I often feel that such a life is cursed when you have to work for the family without being able to see them or be with them.

Life is quite abrasive.

To live a luxurious life we sacrifice so much. To achieve our dreams sometimes we lose our peace and choose to be in isolation and then longing to be coming back to life.

This post is linked to

magpie tales
prompt 96
three word wednesday

Never Again...

The abandoned boat was inside our college campus beside a deep pond. Pritam and I were best buddies , would go there in the evening after our classes see the other guys swim in the pond nearby before the canteen snacks time. We would sit for an hour or two discussing life . Although I have tried to be impartial in most of the matters , maybe I have made mistakes too.

Heaven

                                               
                                                         
I dream about you
But you are so far
I get a blurry view

I want you back in my life
May be I did not give you time I should have
But you went so far away ,
I could hardly realize.

Now when I know its too late
Granny I can only wait
Till I reach there in front of that lovely gate

The place is beautiful so were you
You would surely smile at me
Its my belief when I meet you.

Love you dadu( grandfather). I know this place can be only heaven and you are equally beautiful.

This post is linked with
Magpie Tales #Mag 284

Teacher's Day special

Although I got a separate blogspace to write about my college life - PARAMETERS ,
where I  have been writing the episodes involving my college friends who came in my life and the changed me completely.

Art of living

Several times I have asked myself , "Do I have anything in me ? Any Art that would amaze everyone  ?"

I used to do paintings when I was a kid ( have many certificates of merit) , learnt cricket for few years ,loved to act.

I used to sing and dance ( most of the times when I was alone ). I have a passion for drama (did a few stage shows). I used to love stories. I still do and also to write a few.

As a Child !!

As a Child one enjoys life so much without the burden of anything on his/her shoulders. There is no tension of jobs , responsibilities towards family members , adjustments with spouse , no tensions or calculations of EMI's and bank loans.

Although as a Child one thinks that being old or young is much beneficial. There is no homework , no school , there is money and one can dominate and scold the younger ones.

The grass always looks greener on the opposite side.

The friends or schoolmates during childhood have a different approach replaced by professional rivalry in the older stages. There is shyness to express ourselves , lies and straight faces to resrve our feelings inside unlike that in the childhood when we would cry often in public.

This growing up is painful. It takes a long time to realise that we have suddenly grown up and our parents are no longer responsible for our deeds......

I am afraid of growing up more and facing the old age... Yes honestly I am. When I see my grandma ill and dependent just like the child would be dependent on his mom. I am afraid of getting old.

What you want ....

Like you are taught to say your name when your are asked “ Beta what is your name ?” and also when you are asked “ which class you read in ?” you got to say the class you belong , the section along with it won’t be a matter of concern though. I was also taught to say “ Engineer” when someone would ask me that what I would be when I grew up. I never knew the meaning of engineer but could understand from the glowing eyes and a proud smile on my parents face when they heard my answer they had taught me to tell that it must be  very prestigious sort of a thing and you gotta do it to be in the league.

I only knew what I liked. But did it had any connection with the question that people asked and the recorded answer I gave. I used to close the doors and would do weird things like pillow fight  , assume characters in front of me some good and some bad and a heroine I saved would be perfect. I would stand in front of the mirror and make angry expressions for the imagined troubling characters before hitting them hard ( pillow fight starts ).

The more and more I grew I knew what I wanted to be. Many new characters have got added to my list and I would not only do actions scenes in front of the mirror but I would think of many circumstances and scenarios. Its not that I had to try something. It came automatically to me. I had the interests of watching people and notice their behavior – the way the talked , walked , laughed , criticized . When reading stories I could see them happening in front of my eyes . I could see every character , their dresses and expressions in particular. Was it a fault ? or some defect ? I don’t know.

In class 11 , I started doing mimicry . I copied a lot of voices. I was starting to get popular. I had interests in direction and wanted to learn more. I wanted to study films. My parents never approved of what I wanted. My father wanted to study science. He was good in academics and always stood first in the class. But he could not take science because of financial problems. My father played football. His name had even come in newspapers with pictures . He had to join office job because of the family need and therefore left playing as he did not get any facilities from football (there is poilitics in all fields as you know ).He used to tell me all this just goes in vain. What remains with you is your knowledge and degree. He wanted me to be academically strong.

I NEVER WANT MY CHILDREN TO BE ACTOR OR STUDY FILMS . I WON’T FORCE THEM TO BECOME WHAT I COULD NOT. I ONLY WANT THEM TO BECOME WHAT THEY WANT………………..